FUNNIES ANYONE? Your weekly dose from Ocean Pacific
November 20 - 24, 2006
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the
lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael
DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the
service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said
argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I
also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I
finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when
you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to
Morris . . . "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.
November 6 - 10, 2006
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off... As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for
a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the
results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
October 2 - 8, 2006
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
May 15 - 19, 2006
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.
A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.
He then took off his socks and washed his hands.
The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!"
Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?"
The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."
Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things begin to heat up becaming more and more passionate.
After their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist... You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?
' His lover said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."
May 8 - 12, 2006
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's surgery to collect his wife's test results
Receptionist: I'm sorry Sir but there has been a bit of a mix up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. smith went as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife
Mr. Smith: So what is the problem?
Receptionist: Well the news is either bad or terrible.
Mr. Smith: What do you mean?
Receptionist: Well one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimers Disease and the othe for AIDS and we cannot tell which is your wife.
Mr. Smith: that's terrible, what am I supposed to do now?
Receptionist: All the doctor can recommend is that you drop her off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her.
May 1 - 7, 2006
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop. Doctor: You
should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs. Doctor: You should cut down on
womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends.